If someone has suicidal thoughts,does it mean they’re “crazy”?
If someone has suicidal thoughts, does it mean they’re “selfish”?
If someone attempts to do suicide, does it mean they’re on “drugs”?
Most people will say “if you’re thinking of ending your life, it makes you weak”, “if you’re thinking about ending your life, it makes you crazier than ever…”. If people believe in these statements, then I guess I’m crazy, but I’m not. I’m human and emotions run high whenever I’m dealing with so much stress and worries. Stress builds up to the point I can’t take it anymore and it’s easier to say “you have to let go of stress”, but if you’re someone like me with depression, it doesn’t help to just let go of stress.
It’s more than crying about it and brushing it off then moving on with your life. It is what goes on in your brain whenever you feel pressure. Depression is like someone pushing you in a box(a small box), it’s dark because everything seems like it’s closing in and you can’t seem to breathe because somehow there’s water rising up and you’re drowning in a small box. Most people may not understand what I describe about depression because some people believe there’s no such thing as depression, but there is. Depression can lead to suicide and I have experience most of my life with attempt to suicide or suicide thoughts.
At age 10, was the first time I held a knife in my hand. Why did I hold a knife in my hand? Well, I wanted to end my life at 10 years old because something happened to me at age 9 that continued on till age 10 that kept repeating in my mind(Not ready to talk about it, but one day I will) and I felt like I disappointed everyone. At 10 years old, I failed 5th grade and everyone seemed to want to remind me of how much of a failure I was. How much of a disappointment I was.
At the time, I wanted to become a pediatrician when I grew up and most of the adults would tell me “How disappointing it is to repeat the 5th grade, how will you become a pediatrician if you can’t seem to pass.”. I could be behind in life and not catch up with the group I was “supposed” to join. I couldn’t say anything because who’s going to listen to a 10 year old.
During those times, I dealt with the pain, hurt and witness abuse at home(I wasn’t getting abuse, mostly verbal abuse than physical, but I witness abuse and I will save it for “what happens in this house stays in this house.”) in a household which made me felt like everything was my fault because I was born. On the day I held a knife, my grandma walked in and all she could have done was hold me in her arms and reminded me how special I am. She didn’t make me feel less for holding a knife, she didn’t lecture me about what I’m doing wrong, she just held me in her arms and sang a song in creole that felt good inside my heart, but it wasn’t enough. My mind was filled with so many voices telling me how disappointed I am towards others and I wasn’t good enough to live.
On the day of an assignment at school, I couldn’t focus. I felt like my body was there but, I was in another place, another dark place. I wrote something on my assignment that said “I want to kill myself” and my 5th grade teacher notice what I wrote. So, she called the police and reported what I wrote. All I can remember was my mom was disappointed in what I’ve caused. She’s a true Haitian mother and “suicide” makes no sense at all. It’s either you are ungrateful to life or you’re making excuses to not be strong because we were taught to “be strong”. At the time I didn’t understand why she couldn’t understand what I was going through, but my teacher was on her side(not saying there was a side), but it felt like no one really wanted to listen to why I wanted to end my life. It’s more of “how could you be so selfish?’… Think about your parents , if school is hard you need to toughen up.. Everything in life is hard…
Again, no one wants to ask “what is wrong?” , even the officer who I had to meet up with every single week never asked “how am i?’ It was more of “Stacey is on a suicide watch” and a reminder that I could get in trouble for attempt to suicide. Also, told me I could get arrested for something like that and I could ruin my family because she believes I have great parents and I shouldn’t think anything silly. As a child, I was taught to pretend and never show no emotions. Also, I was taught to never talk about what goes on in the house.
So, I wasn’t surprised when the officer comments about how amazing and “positive” my home was. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed to have my parents and I believe they’re amazing but they lack love and in encouragement or even sit down and talk about what I’ve seen because I believe no child should see any kind of abuse. They were taught differently then what I’m learning today, but there have been times where I wish I could talk to someone and not always have to choose a side or to hear “if it wasn’t for Stacey, I would have never married you.”.
“If Stacey wasn’t born, I would have never married you.”.I felt like a mistake, begging to God “why am I alive? Why am I here?”. There was a time where I yelled at God because I didn’t want to be alive, I wanted to disappear. My teenage years were filled with ups and down challenges, whenever I failed a class or an assignment, or there’s this silly boy that can’t seem to love me. it’s like if disappointment was a picture, I would be right next to it because I continue to disappoint everyone close to me, but my grandma. My grandma understood I was holding in a lot because she knew I wasn’t someone who could tell someone my pain or hurt. Throughout my life I was confused about a lot of things. Tried to fit in, tried to have everyone like me, tried to please everyone because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to be reminded “I was a mistake child” or “you have to be strong”.
Pretended to be happy was my key to life but, sadly the more I pretend the more pain builds up and then here comes suicide thoughts.
“Be strong”. Back then I thought to be strong is to not cry or show any emotions. So, I would hold in any type of emotions I had because I never wanted anyone to see my emotions, but sometimes I couldn’t hold much longer, I would explode. It felt like whenever I cried, I was weak and it does go to your head whenever someone tells you, you are weak or you are soft and pointless to life. So, yes I wanted to end my life because I wasn’t perfect or I wasn’t someone who others wanted me to be and the pressure of being someone I’m not or the pressure of trying to be perfect.
In my mind, I believe it would have been better to be gone, but thank God for writing, my grandmother(may she rest in peace) and my amazing little sister who seems to always come in to hug me whenever i’m stuck in bed because although I haven’t tried to end my life. There’s times when I think about ending my life and I don’t want to wake up out of bed because I would feel empty inside.
TODAY, To be strong is to be okay with not being okay. It’s okay to have emotions and its okay to say “I need help”. I don’t believe if someone experience suicide makes them “crazy” or “selfish”. Don’t get me wrong, I understand there’s people who care and love someone who has suicidal thoughts, but understand what the person is going through and yes, everyone has a problem and everyone is dealing with some type of stress, but most people can’t handle it, but that doesn’t make someone “crazy”. I know I can’t handle my stress or worries because it feels like there’s no ending to the pain or hurt, and I don’t mean to scare anyone but, during those dark times, my mind was more on trying to end the pain than let me think about the people who love me.
The reason why I name the title “The Light At The End Of The Tunnel” is because there is a dark place and it isn’t a pretty place, but God. man oh man GOD, He has definitely shown me he has got me and all I need to do is trust him(working progress). Don’t get me wrong, I know suicide is rising around the world and I say YES, to therapy and YES, to anything to take care of you.
Life isn’t perfect and sometimes feeling alone can get you to the place you don’t want to be but, there’s always that moment of clarity that you’re going to be okay and I’m thankful for writing. I’m thankful for inspiration of others because it is helpful to me to read positive affirmations or someone who has gone through the thoughts of suicide because it lets me know I am not alone and I am enough.
I Am Enough
I Am Enough
I Am Enough.
Have you ever experience suicide thoughts or attempt to suicide? How did you overcome those moments? If not, share some positive tips for others who has gone through it.
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