Disclaimer: I’m not an expert in mental health nor am I a therapist. If you need help, I most definitely advice you to seek professional help if needed. This blog is meant to share my experience with depression, to express myself and give the encouragement I need at this time. I’m sharing it, in case someone else can relate or needs some encouragement because our mental health is important…. <3
Excuse my language but, …
Oh I’m sorry, let me say it again …
I believe I’ve let it all out of my system and I’m sorry to those who don’t like the language I have started with, but it had to be said. Depression sucks and it’s real. It became real to me when I talked with my doctor about it during the year I graduated from high school.
The year of 2011, the year I went through a break up, the year my favorite person(grandma) became sick, the year of so much negativity from people who should of been proud of me, but instead I was told I didn’t deserve my high school diploma, it was a gift because no one thought I was capable of being a high school graduate(whatever that means).
When my primary doctor told me that I have depression, I didn’t want to believe her. I didn’t want to hear anything about depression because I never knew depression was real. I always assume my body/brain was being weird and I was being weird(whatever that means). My doctor believed I probably had depression for a long time but, didn’t recognize it because the way I was taught to hide your feelings, hide your emotions, hide everything that didn’t seem normal. If you cry then you are weak. To pretend … pretend … pretend…To never show your weakness.
Why is it? Why is it not okay to show our emotions? Why? Also, most people will say if you are depressed then you’re ungrateful(which is far from the truth).
First of all, Who in the hell came up with “if you cry then you are weak”
What are we? Robots ?? I’m sorry, did I miss a verse or a story from the Bible where God created robots through Adam and Eve. Please explain to me, are humans supposed to be robots with no emotions, our brains are magically perfect.
Ahh, perfection. In the world we live in, it seems like everything has to be perfect, but you also have to make sure your life is accomplished by a certain age and if not, you’re a failure to society. Whatever it means to whoever made the most ridiculous rule…
Whoever made the rule of:
If you pass age 25 without being married then you’re a failure to your love life.
If you pass age 28 without having kids then you’re a failure as a woman… again who comes up with this stuff and why? I never understood it. So, I say Fuck it!!! Whoever made those rules is something else. This is 2020, it is okay to fail, it is okay to not be married at age 25, it is okay to not have kids by age 25, it is okay if you didn’t graduate with a degree by age 25 and it is okay to change your mind.
I always like to say standing out is so much better than trying to keep up with everyone’s journey or please everyone who seems to have an opinion about your life. Those opinions doesn’t matter, I know it’s easier to say than standing up to those negative opinions because I too have dealt with a ton of negative opinions and I try to ignore it but, sometimes it’s hard to ignore, but I say fuck those negative opinions. We are bigger than those opinions because what we think of ourselves matters the most.
When God gives you a vision then you know what you have to do to make it happen.
“Stacey, how are you going to put curse words + God in the same sentence” …. I’m sorry. I’m just letting it out about life and depression. Which can cause it because of the mindset of perfection, of what you’re “supposed” to do. It’s a moment of what the heck am I living for? As soon as we’re walking or talking. We’re trained to talk a certain way or walk a certain way but, never was taught about our mental health….
Back in the 90’s , if you had a mental health condition you were labeled as crazy or weird because I guess you’re not “normal”(whatever that means)…. I dislike the fact that I couldn’t show emotions without being called weak or sensitive. Like you’re damn right, I need to cry because I don’t feel good about myself or worse sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’ll just end up angry then I’m in my room in a dark staring out of space because my mind is in another place.
I hate depression…
One day, you’re happy and joyful. There’s smiles then there’s good news.You’re enjoying your time with family and friends. It’s like an awesome day.
Then the next day it’s like you can’t get up out of your bed. Everything else is moving, but your body feels stuck. Your body feels like a big rock has landed on top of your body and you can’t move. You don’t know why this is happening but, it’s like the world is moving but you’re not. So many negative thoughts running through your mind. Do you want to know what’s worse? When you know you can’t get up but people who don’t understand depression forces you to start your day and then you hide behind a mask and pretend depression doesn’t exist .
Depression exists …… Big time !
Depression is like someone pushes you into a tiny box and somehow you fit into this tiny box and all of sudden the tiny box is filling up with water and you’re trying so hard to escape from the tiny box but, can’t because you can’t breathe nor you can’t find air to breathe because you’re in a tiny box with so much negative words popping up like there’s no tomorrow… It is how it feels for me…
Fuck depression!!! And it’s okay to say fuck depression because depression doesn’t own you. Depression doesn’t own me. It’s something I have but, it’s not something that determines who I am today, who I am tomorrow nor my future.
I feel like at times we tend to be real about certain things and it’s understandable because some people don’t believe in depression or anxiety or mental illness…it is always “crazy” talk… So, basically you’re “crazy”
But, I want to tell anyone who is dealing with mental illness is you’re not crazy or different or weird. You are still enough, you are still loved, you are still amazingly powerful with your uniqueness and you are still you. Is it hard? Hell yeah! But, if you need to seek help, do whatever you need to do to help yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.
Writing is my go to because I’m not the easiest person to express what I’m thinking or feeling or what is going on in my life because I’m working on not holding it in. I feel like that little girl who is scared is still in me and there’s healing to be made. All my life I have always held it in or pretend to be happy. With writing, I’m able to express more and actually take care of me more.
Today, I’m learning to let it happen and not pretend. If you’re having an off day then have an off day. Don’t let anyone nor yourself tell you to pretend to be happy. I know as most of us who are like tough or doesn’t like to seek help. It’s okay, take the time to find what works best for you because it’s really all about you and your surroundings.
What can you do to protect your peace?
What can you do to seek the help you need?
There’s no shame in your mental health. Whatever you are dealing with mentally, it doesn’t determine who you are as an incredible individual. You are your own person, don’t let people tell you what is supposed to happen or who you need to be or what age you need to accomplish something or determine your success. F-ck it!!! Think of you…. believe in you…. Do what’s best for you… It’s what you think of yourself.
Take care of you!!! You matter and you are important!!! So, excuse my language but, ….
Question: What are you saying “no” to? And what are you saying YES to? *Comment Below*
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